I think too much.

I do. Way too much. Sometimes to the point of over-thinking, but notsomuch this time. Huge changes are coming. And been a long time coming. I've had a lot of time to think about it. And over-think. I spend a lot of time in airports. At least I have the past 5 or so months. Usually waiting for flights and often delayed flights. Gives a person a lot of time to think. I think they're a great place to think.

Same with the gym, where I've been spending a lot of my time lately. I've almost lost 10 lbs too. I get into a zone and again think about a lot of stuff as well. Usually set to tunes from my iPod. These thoughts are of happy things that make me smile.

I'm sorry to be so cryptic. Just the timing is not good to just throw it all out there. Not just yet. But in a nutshell:
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm tired of just "settling" when I know I can do so much better.
I'm tired of being unhappy.
I'm tired of hating myself.
I'm sick of living my life for other people. It's time for me to live my life for me.
I'm tired of this over-complicated mess my life has become. I want something simpler.

I'm tired of making so damned many "accommodations" in my life for one person. Especially when that person won't do a damned thing to accommodate me or take into consideration what I want and what I like and who I am when it comes to fucking anything.

I am done with sacrificing my own personal integrity. Done. Finito. Guess what? Not happening anymore. Not now. Not ever again.

While we're on that vein, I'm also done with sacrificing who I am. More than done. If you can't deal with me and just appreciate me for who I am then too fucking bad. That sounds like a problem. Not my problem, but a problem.*

And more than anything else, I am done with looking like this. I want my cute body back and I will get it back. I am working on that. Hard. Did I mention I've lost 10 lbs?

I have a plan to fix as much of this mess that's become my life as I can. I've already set the wheels in motion for some of this. Other pieces are more complicated and I just have to bide my time until some other things fall into place. Hopefully sooner as opposed to later. It's been a long time coming.

*Little shout out to Joanie. Your little one-liner has all but become my mantra as of late. (Well, minus the expletives. But we know my world is an expletive-laden world.) That little one-liner helps me to see past other peoples issues if nothing else. And don't worry. I'm not THAT bitter, just fed up and in dire, dire need of some change. Soon.


~Bry~ said...

Well PUt! You are not alone! Good luck!

Lee said...

I'm with you, sister! It's been a process. I've only taken on little chunks, you seem to be taking it all at once! I'm in the middle of accomodation pay-back and slowly moving into the me I want to be! Good luck ;)

Anonymous said...

Like I said, you've gotta do what's right for you. Stop keeping up with shit for appearances. This is the happiest I've seen you in over two years. You are doing the right thing. You know where to find me if you need me. -D