Frustrated and Restless

I have absitively, posalutely, gotta get the hell outta Dodge. Soon. Before I completely lose my mind. I don't think my work trip the end of the month is going to cut it.

All of this 'big change in my life' stuff is driving me batty yet again. Well, rather someone who's the #1 reason this change is happening (and not in a good way) is the driving force behind it. Going to drive the whole lot of us straight to the looney bin.

It's days like these I am so thankful I have the support of the family and friends that I do. I really don't know what I'd do without everyone and I'm really wishing I'd been able to trust that I had that support a lot sooner. I doubt things would be going any smoother (in fact I know they wouldn't be), but I think I'd have been in a much better place sooner.

So, anyone just dying to see me? Anyone want a house guest for a few days? Moreover, anyone up for an adventure? I know I am...

The aftermath.

For anyone who's wondering, I did get on that plane and I did go home. It wasn't great but it wasn't bad for the most part. Things finally, FINALLY got somewhat settled.

Huge changes that have already been churning are in motion. For the good or for the bad. I now know what challenges lie ahead for me and I'm ready to take them on. One by one. And I am taking the high road.

Sadly, I've learned the hard way who my friends really are and they aren't who I thought they were. Trusts have been not only compromised, but totally and completely violated. This will never happen again I promise you. Next time I will choose wisely.

As some very, very wise women have advised me, I am choosing joy. I pretty much already have. The joy may have been a bit clouded in the process, but it's there. Totally there. I am choosing joy in my life. Not meaning that everything must be insanely happy, but to find joy in the little things. Every day.

In fact, to remind me as such I think the Chinese character for "joy" will be my new tattoo. That and replacing "tranquility." That little chain of random, teeny, characters I toyed with getting across my back but never did? I think now I should.

I am also making a concerted effort to populate my life with those who bring me joy. It is far, far too short to surround myself with people who don't. I am fortunate to have many in my life who bring me joy. I am thankful each and every day for their presence and am making an effort to be sure they know this. As far as those who don't. Well. Sad to say it just might be time to make a big purge.

I may write about things here. Some things may never see the light of day. I'm hoping from this point forward things will become less angry. More reflective. More contemplative. More observational. Which was the original intent of this blog. Well that and a platform for me to rant and muse about random shit. As of late it's turned into a vent-fest. Which I guess serves the purpose of a blog, but really only creates the illusion of a train-wreck that people can't help but want to sit and watch the carnage. I don't want to be a train-wreck. I deal with enough of those as it is and frankly I don't just don't want to be one.

More insanity.

I just wish I could have one day. Just one. Where shit isn't hitting the fan.

Today was monumentally bad. Monumentally. Insanely. Major bad.

Thank god for those who make me laugh on a daily basis. You all know who you are. Kookiness. Insane dorkdom. Blondeness. Pure crazy. Inane, but silly comments. That's what's getting me through right now. That and big smiles from a certain 4-year-old.

I've got a lotta crap to sort through right now. A lot. I'm hoping a change of scenery. Or two. Or three. Might help. God I hope so...

I think I'm gonna lose my mind.

Yes. Seriously. I'm like thisclose.

What's that you say? You say it's already gone? Long gone?

Well in that case, it sho' as hell ain't comin' back after all THIS.

No, I am not having a mid-life crisis.

What is a mid-life crisis anyway? Seriously. Makes me sound like some sort of a freaking desperate housewife or something (and for the record I HATE that show. it's lame.), which I am most certainly NOT. I mean the stereotypical mid-life crisis usually consists of some overweight, balding dude at or around 40, who wakes up one day and looks at his tired old self in his tired old life and decides to do something to make himself seem young and hot and interesting again so he will either go out and buy a Ferrari (aka way overpriced penis extension) or take on a mistress, or go get hair plugs, or all of the above. For women, I think they usually go buy themselves some boobs or get a face lift and a tummy tuck and then take up with the pool boy.

Oh, and contrary to what may or may not have been posted here on Friday I am NOT upgrading my rack. Number one, I don't think I need it. Number two, someone I adore and who's opinion I respect has asked me not to. Number three, I don't want to look like this chick at the gym yesterday who I swear was gonna knock herself out with her boobs - note to chick-at-the-gym: supportive sports bras - they're a good thing! No, this was simply paybacks from a dear, deranged friend. I hijaked his phone and texted some things I probably shouldn't have and I promise not to ever do it again for at least a week or two. I have also changed my password. So there. I dare you to post something here again. I double-dawg dare you.

In all honesty I just don't believe in mid-life crisis. First off, why does it have to be a crisis? Is it really that big of a deal? Secondly, I'm just doing some much-needed housecleaning in my life and making some changes that have been a long time coming. I will be the first to admit I have been exceptionally unhappy the past 2-3 years. That's a long time to be unhappy. I think I would go so far as to say I kind of checked out and just went through the motions of life because it was easier and just settled for what it was. Mostly because my options have been limited by circumstances slightly out of my control. And I think I just didn't care. However, some major and not-so-major things have happened in the last 18 months that have served as a big wake-up call and a realization that I was starting to lose a big part of who I am in the process of all this mess and that if I ever wanted to be happy and content with myself ever again - much less be able to "respect myself in the morning," some things needed to happen. And they are happening. Not as quickly as I'd hoped, but I am restless and impatient by nature so in all likelihood it's going along fine and I just need to get over myself.

I am fully aware there are some people in my life who do not and will not approve of any of this and will make a big stink. There are those who have already made it known that they think I'm choosing foolishly. Stupidly. Making rash decisions. Overreacting to "isolated incidents," and "well that's just how it is and you need to grow up and deal with it." Well, that's their opinion. Thankyouverymuch for sharing. If that's how they're going to be and if they choose not to support me in this and be a bunch of self-righteous, judgemental assholes, then I guess I really didn't need them in my life to begin with, now did I?

But mid-life crisis? Um, yeah. I don't think so. It's called taking what's broken and doing what I gotta do to get out of this hole I've dug myself into and be happy again. I promise you - you won't see me rolling up in some fancy sports car with new boobs anytime soon. However should that happen, just smack me. I probably deserve it!

Yes, I am happy.

Now.

Any other questions?

I think too much.

I do. Way too much. Sometimes to the point of over-thinking, but notsomuch this time. Huge changes are coming. And been a long time coming. I've had a lot of time to think about it. And over-think. I spend a lot of time in airports. At least I have the past 5 or so months. Usually waiting for flights and often delayed flights. Gives a person a lot of time to think. I think they're a great place to think.

Same with the gym, where I've been spending a lot of my time lately. I've almost lost 10 lbs too. I get into a zone and again think about a lot of stuff as well. Usually set to tunes from my iPod. These thoughts are of happy things that make me smile.

I'm sorry to be so cryptic. Just the timing is not good to just throw it all out there. Not just yet. But in a nutshell:
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm tired of just "settling" when I know I can do so much better.
I'm tired of being unhappy.
I'm tired of hating myself.
I'm sick of living my life for other people. It's time for me to live my life for me.
I'm tired of this over-complicated mess my life has become. I want something simpler.

I'm tired of making so damned many "accommodations" in my life for one person. Especially when that person won't do a damned thing to accommodate me or take into consideration what I want and what I like and who I am when it comes to fucking anything.

I am done with sacrificing my own personal integrity. Done. Finito. Guess what? Not happening anymore. Not now. Not ever again.

While we're on that vein, I'm also done with sacrificing who I am. More than done. If you can't deal with me and just appreciate me for who I am then too fucking bad. That sounds like a problem. Not my problem, but a problem.*

And more than anything else, I am done with looking like this. I want my cute body back and I will get it back. I am working on that. Hard. Did I mention I've lost 10 lbs?

I have a plan to fix as much of this mess that's become my life as I can. I've already set the wheels in motion for some of this. Other pieces are more complicated and I just have to bide my time until some other things fall into place. Hopefully sooner as opposed to later. It's been a long time coming.



*Little shout out to Joanie. Your little one-liner has all but become my mantra as of late. (Well, minus the expletives. But we know my world is an expletive-laden world.) That little one-liner helps me to see past other peoples issues if nothing else. And don't worry. I'm not THAT bitter, just fed up and in dire, dire need of some change. Soon.

I knew it.

Remember back when I said I believed something was rotten in Denmark? There so is. I'll spare the details of exactly how I figured this out - because that would fall into the category of waaaayyy TMI - but I did. Funny thing is, I'm not 100% sure I care. Now I wait. And figure out my next move. And may I just say damn, I'm good.

Something is Rotten in Denmark

Very rotten. Rotten-er than rotten. Let's hope I'm wrong. Although I'm probably not.

Anywhere but here

Looks like the move we've been teasing everyone with for, I-don't-know-how-long, is finally coming to fruition. Still, I'm not exactly sure when it's going to happen (all I know is hubby said he wants outta here before next winter) or exactly where (current candidates are Phoenix, San Francisco, or Orange County, CA). It's all going to depend on which job/project hubby gets moved to.

Two are a definitive Phoenix. While I'm fully aware Phoenix is hotter than hell in the summer months, it's not "here" and it doesn't snow in Phoenix. At least it doesn't normally snow in Phoenix. Plus Phoenix meets some very stringent requirements of ours: it's warmer, it doesn't snow, they have Trader Joe's, In-N-Out Burger and Del Taco, they have palm trees, they have lots of homes with stucco and red tiled roofs (and not in a cheesy way).

One is a "we can live anywhere." Our initial thought was to rent in San Francisco for a year or two, then head south. Now I'm thinking we'd just visit San Francisco a little more often (thanks to the new deals between LAX and SFO on Frontier) and maybe rent on the Balboa Peninsula area of Newport Beach for a while. Possibly buy a townhome. I think the smaller quarters would be worth it to be within walking distance of the ocean. Plus there's this really charming elementary school (I kid you not, the architecture is from the 40s or 50s) I'd love for Mr. E to attend.

So what's wrong with "here" per se? Note: "here" = southern 'burbs of Denver. Well, it snows here. And while I don't hate snow, I've more than had my fill of it after this past winter and having my Christmas nearly ruined due to the mass quantities of it (see posting from Dec. '06). It's very dry here. I feel like a freaking alligator most days. Jobs are not as plentiful as they once were - plus all the good companies have been acquired and local operations shut down, leaving the crappy ones and the smaller ones who don't like to pay well or treat their employees well. I also like to garden, and I'd have a longer growing season in a more temperate climate. That right there, as well as potential close proximity to the ocean, would make me VERY happy.

Time will tell. We're in limbo at the moment, just waiting for decisions to be made. A position I don't much like being in. On the bright side, a change is in the air. Where we'll end up is anybody's guess, just so long as it's anywhere but here.

The Road More or Less Traveled

Ok, I totally realize I've been a sucky blogger as of late. I've got about 5 posts that I started and decided to "finish later." But they never got finished. I fully intend to finish those posts though. I need to.

I'm in California this week. I've been here since Thursday. I must say it is soooooooo nice to see green. To see flowers. To wake up and have it already be warmer than the projected daytime high at home. It was so depressing going into Home Depot with my aunt yesterday. The one over here has a plethora of patio stuff and most bedding plants out and ready to be planted. Won't see any of that at home for at least another few weeks.

I do believe the writing is on the wall. Jobs, or rather lack thereof at home is both depressing and frustrating. I can do a search on Monster at home and come up with five jobs total. These jobs typically are nothing I'm interested in or are a brutal drive away. I search just in Orange County on Monster and get *two pages* of jobs and every other one piques my interest. I realize real estate is through the roof here, but in all honesty, I'd rather have an overpriced home I know we have the money coming in to pay for, than have the less expensive (but still overpriced, IMO) home that there's a chance we may miss a payment on because one or both of us is either out of work or struggling to make the payment with a minimum-wage job. Hubby has some prospects. Both here and in Arizona. We'll just have to see what pans out.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy my break. Mr. E and I have already been to Disneyland (a choice I still question my sanity on) and have done some light shopping. I think we'll head out to do more shopping later on. Pics to be posted later.